Girls Who Can Take Four (4) Fingers In Their Snatch

OR MORE!!!!


I asked The Laird what would make an excellent choice for a new blog post, and this is what he suggested.


Without betraying a whole lot of confidences, I can't possibly write a whole blog about this....

Or can I?!

Here it is! Based on superstition and fear, I hereby present:
Girls Who Can Take Four (4) Fingers In Their Snatch or History's Whores; a Celebration of What Were Almost Certainly Very, Very Sloppy Slits.

Caroline of Brunswick:

Sweet Caroline...
Pretty much the only man in Europe who didn't get a piece of this shit was her husband, England's George IV. George was so repulsed by her that he began drinking immediately after their first meeting 3 days prior to their wedding, and didn't stop til he woke up face-down in the fireplace grate... the wedding night. He managed to rise to the occasion just once, apparently that very night. 9 months after the wedding, Caroline gave birth to their only child (England's heir, the doomed Princess Charlotte). George sent a letter saying thanks, that was really great, but let's see other people, and not each other, ever again.

The other people George wanted to see was his "real" wife, Maria Fitzherbert to whom he'd already been married 8 years when he wed Caroline.

The other people Caroline wanted to see was... everyone.

Caroline packed her unwashed panties and moved onto "The Continent." She became famous for her dinner parties and especially the after-dinner entertainment, which usually included lots of topless dancing. Performed by her. She would proudly show "special" guests her wind-up oriental sex doll, and occasionally dance naked on the pier when she grew bored with doing it at home.
She fucked Napoleon's brother, a slew of footmen in her employ, stable hands, any number of lesser Nobles, and possibly the oriental doll. Times were fast and fun 'til the Old King died and George's number came up for duty. Caroline traveled to England fully expecting to be crowned Queen alongside him. Instead, Parliament offered her a fortune to leave and never, ever come back. She didn't take the subtle hint, and showed up at his coronation, crown in hand, only to be summarily locked out of the church. Being a lady and a Queen and all, she did the only thing she could do. She screamed obscenities at the door until she grew tired, then she went home and died.

Fing-O-Meter: A solid 4, because she may have had a bastard or two after birthing the Princess Royal, and because she didn't mind the occaisional low-born brute.


Maria-Theresa of Austria:

(Empress Maria Theresia Walburga Amalia Christina... we got nuthin' but time and names, bitches.)

It's not so much that she whored her way to a gaping gash; no, she was above reproach. (At least in the bedroom.) What gets Maria-Theresa on our enviable list isn't her in-put, but her out-put. She had 16 mother-fucking kids in 20 years, a feat that would blow anyone's vag out. And she didn't pull any of that Catherine of Aragon cheater-pants stuff; they were all full-term and live. For a while at least. 13 of the original 16 lived to be diplomatic pawns, so that's good.
She was married to a paragon of manliness named Francis Joseph of Lorraine (sexy), who somehow managed to find time to fuck other women despite the demanding schedule of Maria Theresa's ovulation cycles.

Their last daughter grew up to be Marie Antionette. Prior to Marie's marriage and unfortunate remarks about diamond necklaces and cake (didn't happen!!) she was famous first for walking out of her mother's womb while hula-hooping and using pantomime instead of crying. Because that shit was HUGE. These weren't normal babies. These were fucking AUSTRIAN babies. They were goggle-eyed and had massive Ha'pint-sized foreheads and paniers and powdered wigs. Probably 10 pounds a piece. So you know that the panty-pudding must've looked like a deflated inner-tube at the end of summer.

By the time she shat out the ninth or tenth, Maria Theresa stopped even taking bed-rest on the day off birth. She literally got up out of her bed and went to a meeting with her ministers immediately after delivery the day Marie Antionette was born. A woman's gotta have hobbies. Besides riding Francis raw every night.

Fing-O-Meter: At least 5. Not only did she pop out babies like an 18th century human salad-shooter, but you have to spot her points for ease of insertion. After-birth makes good lube.


Catherine the Great:

Catherine really WAS great, if for no other reason than her passion for knowing how to solve problems like nation-wide slavery without actually doing anything about it. (Serf's up.) But we're here to talk about her twat. Catherine started slow, building both her character and sexual frustration over the course of the first 10 years of her marriage to the idiot Grand Duke Peter of Holstein. (Yes.. like the cow.) He would set up army men on their bed and demand that she play with him into the night. He would capture and hang the Palace mice for misconduct. He also drooled. Catherine put up with this shit just long enough to figure out what a penis was and how to use it, then devoted herself to happily popping out a couple of heirs to the Russian throne. Concieved, of course, through the assistance of people other than Peter, who was still working through complex maneuvers on the four-poster.
Meat-work done, Catherine set out to have some real fun. She took over the throne of Russia, and collected a series of lovers and paramours from all stations of life. She was Empress and all, so she implemented a handy-dandy free-clinic style STD screening process. She had her potential lovers fuck her handmaids first. If the girls didn't get freckles on their ass, then Catherine would take the new boy for a spin.
But what makes her a 4-finger champion? She eventually got tired of all the effort she was putting into recruiting her new pieces of ass, and so she sub-contracted that part out to her former lover (and possible secret husband), Gregory Potemkin.
Gregory stank, had rotten teeth and was missing an eye. He could throw some mean dick, though, so even after the spark of romance dissipated, she kept him around as the imperial pimp. Sweeeet.

And if there is any question about Cathy's capacity, consider the fact that IN HER OWN LIFETIME, the Russian people had already started circulating stories about her sexual appetite. She was rumored to have fucked her way through most of the standing Russian army and a few visiting delegations as well. And then there is the Horse. Mr. Ed supposedly crushed her to death in coitus.

Fing-O-Meter: 10. Totally. Bitch had to knock the cock out of her ass just to take a dump. I doubt the horse story only because there's no way the horse would have been able to find a hole on her that was tight enough to offer a little friction.

Horses have standards.


Aperitif:
Napoleon wasn't quite the sad little dwarf of legend. He stood at about 5 feet, 7 inches tall. This was a skooge above average male height for the time. To clarify, he wasn't 4 feet tall. That is erroneous. His cock was 4 feet tall.
Napoleon: 5' 7". Josephine's Tube Steak: 4'.
Get it right.